Keys to Remaining Unemployed
If you would like a good laugh, or are on the job hunt but never want a job offer since you really want those unemployment benefits and lots of free time, then here are sixteen tips to make sure that prospective employers will never call you back.
These tips are meant for those who like to fail or, for the sheer pleasure of knowing what to do if you want to make a bad impression. For those who really do want to land a job, you might study these as a list of not to do’s, or as a roadmap, which if you follow in reverse will lead you to a job.
Tips for Failure:
- Never, never, never, NEVER prepare before going in for the interview. Know as little as possible about the job, the company and the industry. When asked what you know about the job, tell the interviewer that you couldn’t be bothered to do any research and that you figure a job is a job and one company is just like any other company, all out to exploit the worker.
- Mention your strong affinity for union organizing and the belief that management is out to stick it to the working force. Accentuate the idea that if it weren’t for active unions, the American worker would be nothing but a slave.
- Give only short, evasive answers and avoid answering simply and directly to any question. For example, “What is your name?” Respond with, “That depends upon who’s asking. I don’t freely give out that information.”
- Don’t listen and be deliberately dense. Ask the interviewer to repeat him or her self numerous times, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. What was that you asked?”
- Point out that the job is beneath you but you would be willing to take it if only to help out for a little while until something better comes along.
- Talk down to the interviewer. Make sure that you impress upon him or her that you are far more intelligent than they are and that it is you who should be interviewing them.
- Be defensive and very touchy. For example to the question, “I see that you worked at the ABC Company for six months. What was it like working there?” Respond with, “You’re really wondering why I was only there for six months, right! You’re trying to trick me and to use a bad company and a bad experience to deny me this job. I know my rights. You have no right to private information.”
- Share your views on the importance of Scientology and offer to heal the interviewer of their bad breath or dandruff by the “laying on of hands.” If the interview goes long enough they will certainly have a headache and you can offer yet again to heal them.
- Challenge the very precept upon which the company exists and raise questions about the morality or legality of its products and services: “You know, selling soft drinks could be construed as pedaling drugs to minors. Have any class actions suits been brought yet?”
- Change your story mid-way through the interview. Offer conflicting data and information and when challenged on it, say, “Sorry, the drug use have really messed up my memory. What did I say my name was?”
- Whatever your gender, make sure you let the interviewer know that you deeply distrust the opposite sex. Point out that they (the opposite sex) as a whole are unreliable, out to get you, and that the work place would be a far better place if purged of “them.” Tell a dirty joke to help complete the impression that you are deeply prejudiced and have trouble working with at least 50% of the populace.
- Interrupt and never let the interviewer finish a sentence without you guessing where he or she is going and try to correct their grammar. Also, never actually fully answer any question they attempt to ask. Treat it like a game. Can you interrupt them at the moment they are most likely to be enraged?
- When asked what were your greatest successes, point out your ability to outsmart others members of your team and the times you were able to prove management wrong.
- When asked about what you learned from your past mistakes and failures, point out that you have never failed and that your only mistakes have been when you have trusted others. Point out that your primary learning has been that you just can’t trust anyone.
- Demonstrate a closed mind to learning new things and to changing behavior. Take the perspective that you are as close to perfect as you can get and that what the interviewers sees is what he or she will get. Play up the idea that people don’t really change and that is why hiring is so important.
- Point out the importance of litigation as a way of leveling the playing field between workers and corporations. Offer the name of your own lawyer, “I keep him on retainer for the inevitable disputes which arise wherever I work. He’s very good. Would you like his number?”
Take just a few of these sixteen tips and you will never get a job with anyone, anywhere!
On the other hand, if you really want to land that job, play out the reverse:
- Listen respectfully
- Demonstrate a willingness to learn
- Stay focused
- Prepare by researching the company with which you are interviewing
- Show how you can adapt to and work with other people
- Demonstrate your flexibility and resilience and finally
- Be open, honest and direct